


you're lucky if your memory remains

by lshtons



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: :( kill me, :((, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Romance, Anorexia, Best Friends, Blowjobs, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Bulimia, Bullying, Character Death, Childhood Sweethearts, Comeplay, Coming Out, Death, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Funeral, Hospitalization, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Panic Attacks, Praise Kink, Secret Crush, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Smut, Surgery, Underage Sex, but just a lil tiny bit, emotional breakdowns, i know i am so sorry, it wasn't that secret tbh but, just one and it's very vague and short lived, pure gayness all around, s/o to ashley for being the best nurse ever, this is so fucking sad i hope you love suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-18 11:55:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8161270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lshtons/pseuds/lshtons
Summary: "Calum's frame is so small and frail, Michael feels like he might turn to dust if touched. His usually amber brown skin is now pale and ghostly, wrapping around his bones like a thin sheet of snow. He reminds Michael of the paper flower he gave the boy when they were younger; fragile, crumpled, and barely holding himself together." Calum's gone, and Michael can't forget him even if he tried.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i was working on a different fic for months but then i realized how much i didn't like the plot anymore??? and then i wrote this in like a week straight, it's cute but so fucking sad o my god. why did i do this. i hope it's good tho!!!!
> 
> (side note: the regular text is Michael remembering what happened and the italicized portions are the actual memories, if that makes any sense? don't worry about the bold text it's just doing what italics would do if the text wasn't already italicized)
> 
> ((also the title is from Therapy by All Time Low but I'm sure you already knew that lmao))

Michael remembers the first time Calum smiled at him.

He remembers it happened during his second week of kindergarten. He was in the arts & crafts corner during activity time, his hands sticky with glue that he was going to enjoy peeling off later. He was making bouquet of flowers out of tissue paper and pipe cleaners for his mother's birthday. He remembers turning around to ask his teacher how much more time he had left because he was nowhere near done, and he remembers his eyes settling on a small brown boy with dark raven-hair instead.

Of course Michael had seen this boy before, he was in his class. The boy's name was Calum T. Hood (Michael thought the 'T' stood for 'turtle', turns out it was 'Thomas'), and he didn't speak to _anyone._ Calum was by himself on the round blue rug near their teacher's desk, and he didn't look as sad as he looked afraid. 

Michael didn't want him to be scared, so he took one of the flowers that he did finish and scurried over to Calum. He joined the raven-haired boy on the rug, sitting next to him with his legs crossed. Thankfully, Calum didn't move away, he just looked a bit more terrified than he did two seconds ago. Which Michael understood, he was a kid with hair that stuck out in all different directions, skin as pale as snow and 'baby fat' in all of the wrong places.

_"Here," Michael says smiling, offering the flower to Calum. "I made it for you."_

Michael was lying, and he knew that was wrong, but it was to make Calum feel better, so it was okay. He ignored the pang of guilt in his stomach and pretended that he was just hungry, even if he had eaten lunch only fifteen minutes ago.

Calum's face lit up at Michael's words and he took the paper flower from the blonde boy, holding it gently and marveling at the pretty pink and purple colors it was made of. It wasn't the greatest job, but they were only five years old and it was for Calum, so the craftsmanship didn't matter much.

_"Thank you," Calum says just above a whisper, and his lips break into a smile. It's wide and genuine and it makes his eyes crinkle at the corners and Michael thinks it's exactly what a smile should be. He's taken aback, and wants to see it more often, so he introduces himself._

_"You're welcome. I'm Michael!" the blonde chirps. He sticks his hand up and hesitantly, Calum gives him a high-five. His fingers are tiny and warm and Michael wants to have their hands together all of the time._

_"I-I'm Calum," the brown boy tries, but it comes out sounding frightened and uninterested. In lieu of a proper introduction, he pushes himself to do something he never does. "Can we make more flowers together? I wanna make one for my mommy."_

Michael started grinning ear-to-ear then, and he grabbed Calum by his hand and pulled him over to the table he was working at. Michael remembers feeling like his stubby, tacky fingers fit perfectly into Calum's, even better than they fit into his mother's, and he remembers never wanting to let go.

**+**

Michael remembers the first time he told Calum that he was pretty.

It was September 16th, and they had convinced their parents to take them out for ice cream to celebrate one year of being best friends. Once they finished with their cones, they wandered down onto the beach, their parents not too far behind. They plopped down onto the sand next to each other, coughing at the kick up they made. The California sun hung brightly in the sky, and it was pouring down on the two boys. Michael remembers looking at Calum and holding his breath, literally. Calum was all soft features and smooth brown skin, and with the sun illuminating everything, Michael swore that the boy next to him was made of gold.

_"You're pretty, Cal." Michael blurts out, but he doesn't regret it. Calum is the prettiest boy in the world, and Michael thinks that he should know that._

_Calum's face flushes pink and he tries to hide behind his small hands, but Michael can still see his rosy cheeks and bright smile peeking through. "Shut up, Mikey."_

_"It's true. You're so pretty. I wish I was pretty like you." Michael says, and he does regret admitting that last part. It's just that, he's six years old now and the "baby fat" his mom is always going on about is still around, and he's practically transparent for God's sake, so he just doesn't feel as good about himself as he would if he looked like his best friend._

_Calum's comes out from behind his hands and his smile falters. "Don't say that," he chides quietly, lunging over and wrapping his arms around Michael's neck. "You're beautiful. Like the sunset! Okay?"_

_"Okay," Michael mumbles, and he thinks Calum can tell that he doesn't mean it when the brown boy hugs him tighter._

_The words "you're beautiful" repeat themselves over and over in his mind, and he's too young to understand why it makes his heart flutter._

**+**

Michael remembers his first—and last—date with a girl.

He and Calum were sixth graders then, back at the bottom of the food chain at their new school, but at least they had each other. They weren't going to be in the same class at first, which they _may_ have cried about. Their mothers came down to their school and fought for them to be put together, and they thought that their moms were the best people in the world for that.

Michael remembers Calum talking to other girls in their class, though. Or, at least other girls talking to Calum. They would slide up to him in science class and twirl their curls around their finger as they ask him for help because they _know_ Calum is good at the subject. Calum would trip over his words and get shy, and the fact that he never got like that around Michael made the jealousy burning in the blonde's chest turn to pride.

The pride turned back to jealousy when Michael saw Calum holding Christina Peters' hand in the halls on a Friday afternoon. (It only happened once, but he still hates her. Just a little bit.)

Michael didn't know why he felt jealous, he didn't _want_ to know, so he decided to try and find a girl of his own to take his mind off of Calum. He picked a girl named Emily with a long German last name that was too hard to pronounce. She had stringy blonde hair, freckles, and green eyes like himself. Michael thought she was cute, but she wasn't as pretty as Calum. No one ever was.

Michael remembers seeing Emily at her locker and standing five feet away from her, trying to work up the nerve to go and talk to her. He rushed over to her when he realized that she was walking away.

_"Um, Emily, wait! I-I wanna, um, ask you something!" Michael croaks, his voice cracking here and there. Emily stops in her tracks and turns around, though, and now Michael freezes because her attention is completely on him. "Do you want to be my girlfriend?"_

_It's all he manages to say because he's totally panicking, and he doesn't particularly find it comforting when Emily starts laughing. Hard. "You have to take me on a date first! One step at a time, Michael Clifford."_

_Emily thinks he's an idiot, but she still likes him, so that's good, right?_

Michael remembers taking Emily on a date, which was just going to get ice cream and sitting on the beach. It was definitely a bad idea because he and Calum used to do that a lot when they were little, and Michael felt uncomfortable the whole time with Emily sitting next to him mumbling about something Michael couldn't care less about.

Michael remembers when their date was coming to an end, and Emily abruptly turned to face Michael with bright pink cheeks.

_"I think this is when . . . we're supposed to kiss?" Emily says softly, her cheeks burning as the words leave her mouth._

_Michael doesn't expect that, never really planned on doing that, but he supposes she's right. "Y-yeah, okay."_

Michael's first kiss was absolutely awful. Emily leaned forward and pressed her lips to his, but he didn't kiss her back because it was all wrong. Her mouth was too wet, she was girl; she wasn't Calum. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

_"You didn't kiss me back." Emily sighs, scooting back to her original spot. Michael wants to apologize, figures that's the right thing to do, but Emily stands up and heads towards the sidewalk before he can. "I'm going home. You're bad at this, Michael Clifford."_

Emily never talked to him again, and Michael was more relieved by that than anything.

**+**

Michael remembers thinking that he might have feelings for Calum the next year.

It started with realizing the little things about Calum, more than he usually did.

He noticed that Calum had two laughs, one specifically for Michael that was loud and beautiful and genuine, and he had one for everyone else. That one was nice, too.

He noticed how _full_ Calum's lips were, not thin and chapped like Michael's. He would stare at them when the brown boy talked to other people, and every now and again he wondered how they would feel against his own.

He noticed that he was always the loudest one at Calum's soccer games, cheering hard and thunderous for the team captain and always catching his attention. It made his stomach do flips every time Calum would flash him a smile throughout each game.

_"Mikey, you gotta stop cheering so loud. Everyone is always looking at me." Calum would say timidly after almost every game when he would meet up with the blonde in the locker room._

_"Good, they should be. You're the kind of person people should always be looking at." Michael would always tell him, and it's true. **You're so pretty.**_

Michael remembers the first time Calum got changed in the locker room instead of at his house, right in front of him, and he noticed _everything._ He noticed how Calum's body glistened with sweat under the bright lights after playing hard on the field. He noticed how Calum was still lanky, but he saw that his thighs were starting to fill out his boxers (as well as . . . _something else_ that he tore his eyes away from as soon it was in his line of sight) when the raven-haired boy took off his soccer uniform, and _fuck_ , his _ass_ —

Michael remembers his face going _so_ red, he remembers the heat boiling at the bottom of his stomach. He remembers waiting in the hallway for Calum to finish changing instead of in the locker room after that day.

**+**

Michael _knew_ he had feelings for his best friend on their ninth friend-iversary. 

They were sat upstairs in Calum's room, just finished with the large pizza they ordered. (It had pineapple on top, which Michael hates, but he ordered it anyway because Calum liked it.)

_"Oh, I almost forgot! I got you a present." Calum says suddenly, shooting up from his spot on the floor and walking over to his dresser._

_"Dude, I thought we agreed not to get each other presents for this." Michael groans, and he feels bad because he didn't get the brown boy anything._

_"Then consider this an early birthday present. That's what I bought it for, but I guess I'm just eager to give it to you." Calum shrugs. He starts to fling things out of the drawer and onto his bed in search of the gift in question, and with all of his clothes, Michael sees it. It's the paper flower Michael had given Calum when they were five._

_"You still have that?" Michael gapes, pointing to the poorly made craft on the boy's bed._

_Calum stops digging through his drawer and turns around to see what Michael is talking about. "Oh, yeah. Sorry, it's kinda crumpled up."_

_He's right, it's just barely holding itself together at this point, but Michael doesn't mind. He just can't believe that Calum kept it all of these years. "Why? I thought you'd thrown it away ages ago."_

_"I don't know . . . because you gave it to me. It's the reason I have you. Why would I—I would never throw it away." Calum explains, bashfully almost, his cheeks rosy and his eyes still lingering on the flower._

_It's the raven-haired boy's choice of words that has Michael getting up and engulfing Calum in a hug, that has his heart beating so fast and hard that he can hear it, that makes him realize that he likes his best friend **so fucking much.** It's scary, but he doesn't care because it's Calum._

_He didn't say 'it's the reason we're friends', or 'the reason I started talking to you'. He said it's the reason he has Michael._

_'You have me, you'll always have me. I like you so much.' Michael wants to say, but he just continues to hug his best friend._

_Michael thinks Calum knows when the raven-haired boy forgets about the gift, wraps his arms around Michael and pulls him closer._

**+**

Michael remembers when he and Calum met two of the most important people in their lives during their freshman year of high school.

The first was Luke Hemmings, and Calum was the one to introduce the boy to Michael. He was lanky like them with an excuse of a fringe, his golden blonde hair always falling over his piercing blue eyes. He was tanner than Michael at the time, but still pale in his own right. Luke has always been pretty, but never like Calum was.

Luke was still attractive nonetheless, though, and Michael felt intimidated to say the least. The goddamn baby fat (Michael knew he was just a chubby kid with disproportionate features, but calling it 'baby fat' was comforting) was still on him everywhere it shouldn't be, he had acne all over his face, and he just wasn't _beautiful_ like Calum said he was.

Due to his feelings of inadequacy and jealousy because Luke was _always_ with Calum, considering that they had more classes together, Michael didn't like Luke much. At least, he pretended not to. He teased the poor boy constantly, as if he didn't get enough shit from other people, and had a bitter attitude towards him.

Michael remembers the day Calum stayed home from school due to being sick with a cold, and he had found Luke sitting by himself in the hallway, crying.

_Michael turns the corner and sees Luke sitting in front of his locker with his knees pulled up to his chest, his faced rested on his thighs._

_Now, Michael may be a dick sometimes but he's not Satan, so he makes his way over to Luke as quickly as he can and drops down beside him._

_"Hey, um, are you okay? What's wrong?" Michael asks, and he gasps quietly when Luke looks up at him. The younger boy is crying, his eyes bloodshot, and there's a nasty purple bruise on his jawline._

_"No one likes me," Luke says bitterly, and when he tries to laugh it just breaks into a sob. "Why are you asking, anyways? You don't like me either. I don't know what I did to you, honestly, I don't know why you hate me . . ."_

_The pang of guilt in Michael's stomach is intense, and he feels like the biggest asshole on earth. He doesn't hate Luke, he really doesn't, and he wishes he could take everything back. He didn't know it was this bad._

_"I don't hate you, I swear. I just—I guess I'm guilty of being a bit jealous of you. Calum always talks about you and he's always with you in school, I don't get to see him as much anymore. And you're so . . . you, and I'm me." Michael admits, the words running off his tongue before he can decide if he wants to say them or not. "This is hard for me to talk about. But I don't hate you, okay? You're like, my second best friend, even if I haven't been treating you nicely. I'm sorry."_

_"Thank you. For apologizing, I mean. You're my friend, too. I hope you don't think I'm trying to take Calum away from you or anything, it's just that he's a really cool guy and I don't have anyone else. He's still all yours, though." Luke says. He's still crying a little, but he offers Michael a watery smile._

_**He's still all yours, though.** Michael smiles back, but it fades when he notices the bruise again. "Seriously, what happened? What's got you like this?"_

_Luke lets out a sigh that's almost a whimper, and tucks his legs even farther into his chest. "Like I said, no one likes me. But there are these four guys especially, they won't—they won't leave me alone. Usually they just call me a name and keep it moving, but they felt like being extra nasty today, I guess. They were knocking me around, and they said—th-they kept calling me—I can't repeat it. I don't wanna talk about this."_

_Luke starts crying harder, and Michael takes that as his cue to pull the small boy into a hug. He's soaking the shoulder of Michael's shirt with tears, and the older boy feels **so** bad._

_"We . . . we have to tell someone, Luke—"_

_"No!" Luke snaps, wriggling away from Michael. He looks scared. "N-no, I don't . . . can you please just take me home?"_

_Michael does as he's asked, finding out that Luke lives in the same neighborhood as he and Calum. Luke's mother, Liz, thanks Michael probably a million times when she opens the door to let Luke inside. When she's finished expressing her gratitude, he goes on his way to Calum's house to check on the boy and tell him what happened._

Six months later, the trio met Ashton Irwin. Michael wishes it happened differently, but he doesn't regret meeting one of his best friends.

_Michael doesn't expect Calum to come ripping down the hallway as he gets out the books he needs for his next class from his locker._

_"It's Luke." Calum says quickly as soon as he reaches Michael, and the blonde gets the message._

_"Shit," Michael mutters under his breath as he follows Calum back to their friend._

_The scene isn't exactly what he expected—it's worse. They can't even see Luke properly, they can only hear him begging for the junior-year boys crowded around him to stop. They're hurting him, Michael realizes, and before he can go over there to get Luke away from them, a boy with honey-colored curls steps in._

_"Guys, what the fuck? Leave him alone, what're you doing?" The curly-haired boy yells, shoving the other boys away from Luke._

_"Hey, Ashton, calm down. We were just—you know what, nevermind. We'll see you later, alright?" one of the boys say, and they all disperse into the crowd of teenage students._

_"No, you won't." the curly-haired boy—who's name is Ashton—mumbles. He sighs and crouches down to Luke's level, who's still pressed up against the wall with his arms crossed protectively in front of his face. "Are you okay, kid?"_

_Ashton reaches out and touches Luke's arm, and the younger boy flinches immediately and curls into himself more. "St-stop, don't hurt me. Just leave me alone, p-please."_

_"I would never hurt you. They're gone, I promise. I scared them away. l'm gonna need to take you to the nurse, though, so come on." Ashton says, and it's enough to coax Luke out of his protective position. He moves his arms away from his face and sits up, and Michael wouldn't be able to describe what happens when Luke and the older boy's eyes meet._

_They just stare at each other for a good twenty seconds before Luke breaks the pregnant silence. "I can't walk, though, one of them stepped on my ankle."_

_Ashton shakes his head and stands, rolling up his sleeves. "Well, I'm just gonna have to carry you then. Christ, man, you're too pretty to be getting beat up like this."_

_Luke's sea-blue eyes go wide and his faces flushes pink at the older boy's words. "I—um, thank you. Wait, where's—"_

_Michael and Calum walk over, making their presence known, and Luke looks worse up close. His arms are littered with bruises, one of his ankles are red and swollen, and he's got a busted lip. Michael silently thanks whatever higher power that's out there for Ashton stepping in and helping Luke._

_"We're here. I'm sorry about all this, Luke. It's gonna be okay." Calum says in effort to comfort his best friend._

_"Please get him to the nurse. Thank you for saving him from those guys." Michael turns and says to Ashton._

_"No problem," the older boy nods. Instantaneously, he bends down and scoops Luke up into his arms, and the small boy lets out a shriek because he wasn't expecting to be swept off of his feet, literally. "Let's go, Lukey. You're friend is right, you're gonna be just fine."_

_Luke looks like he's going to pass out when the nickname leaves Ashton's mouth as the curly-haired boy carries him bridal-style down the hall._

Michael remembers Ashton sitting with them at lunch that day, and never returning back to his old group of friends. He remembers the older boy fitting into their group so easily, as if he was there from the start. He remembers seeing how obviously head-over-heels Luke was for their new best friend, and he knew the feeling.

**+**

Michael remembers coming out to his friends a few months after he turned fifteen. It didn't go anything like he expected it to, to say the least.

_They're at Luke's house, watching some sappy romance film on Lifetime while the rest of the younger boy's family is out at dinner._

_The couple in the movie are in bed, kissing each other lazily, and all Michael can do is imagine himself doing that with a boy—with Calum. He really wishes someone would change the channel._

_Whenever Michael even considers romance, girls are the last thing that come to mind. He just thinks of boys. Boys with floppy hair, boys with nice builds, boys with bright smiles, boys who smell good, boys who are funny. He thinks of Calum._

_"I think I'm gay," Michael blurts. He doesn't like how it sounds. It sounds unsure, like he's dancing around the truth. "I mean, I'm pretty sure I am. Like ninety-nine percent sure. The other one percent is just in case."_

Michael remembers how his friends completely forgot about the movie and all attention was on him. He remembers wanting to take it back, wanting the world to swallow him whole. Until Luke spoke up.

_"Me too." Luke squeaks out, sotto voce and hesitant, as if he's afraid of how his friends will react. He doesn't have to worry about Michael, obviously._

_Ashton must notice the fear Luke is feeling, because the older boy slips his hand over Luke's smaller one, and Michael and Calum pretend that they don't see._

_"Sorry the break the chain or whatever, but, um, I'm bisexual. Don't get me wrong, I like boys **a lot** , but boobs are really nice, too." Ashton shrugs nonchalantly, and Michael wonders if it was as easy to admit as he made it seem._

_Luke crinkles his nose like bunny, screwing up his face a bit like he disagrees with Ashton's statement, and the older boy just emits a loud giggle as he observes the small boy fondly. Michael wants to tell them to just get married already, but is he really one to talk?_

_Realizing that he hasn't said anything yet, all of their eyes land on Calum, who runs his fingers through his fluffy curls awkwardly._

_"I . . . don't wanna put any labels on myself. I just like people." Calum eventually says, and Michael swears the raven-haired boy looks directly at him when that last word leaves his mouth._

_Luke grabs the remote and finally puts something else on, and nothing changes between the four of them after that evening. That's all Michael could ask for._

**+**

Michael remembers when he confessed his feelings to Calum, along with kissing him for the first time. It was a long night.

Michael remembers sitting next to Calum on the swinging bench in the brown boy's backyard, anxiously waiting for him to say _something._

Calum had texted him and asked him to come over because he had to tell him something important. All of the possibilities of what the boy would say to him ran through Michael's mind on his way to Calum's house, and there was one option he was hoping for.

_"So . . . I got into the soccer camp I signed up for. I leave next month." Calum says flatly, creating sound other than the chirping of crickets. Michael shoots him a quizzical look. Why's that such a big deal?_

_"That's great, Cal, but you don't seem that excited?" Michael says as more of a question than a statement, not understanding the situation._

_"I'm gonna be in Brazil. For three months." Calum further explains cautiously, and now Michael gets it._

_Michael won't have Calum around for the whole summer. He can't remember the last day he spent without Calum in his life, let alone a summer. He doesn't like the idea of being away from his best friend for so long, he absolutely hates it._

_"That's . . . a really long time." Michael sighs. He slumps back and raises his head to look at the stars. They remind him of Calum—pretty, bright, and admired by everyone. "I don't know how I'm gonna deal with you being gone for so long."_

_"Hey, at least you'll have Luke and Ash to spend time with! It won't be too bad, Mike, I promise. The time will pass before you know it." Calum tries to reason, but it's obviously not working by the look on Michael's face. He looks like he already misses the brown boy and he's sitting right next to him._

_"It's not the same."_

_"How so? What makes me any different from them?"_

_Michael wasn't expecting that. It wasn't asked out of hostility; Calum's genuinely curious. Michael doesn't know how to answer him without being completely honest._

_"They just are. They're my best friends, but you . . . you're more than just that to me." Michael mumbles, and he says it before he can second-guess himself. "I like you. As in, I have feelings for you."_

_Calum just sits there, blinking at the blonde boy who just confessed his feelings to him. He shouldn't have told him, Michael thinks, and before he can finish stuttering out the string of excuses and apologies neatly lined up in his throat, Calum is kissing him and everything around them **stops.**_

_Emily had nothing on Calum, that's for sure. The brown boy's lips are soft and full against Michael's, exactly how he dreamed they would be. He's being careful and slow, maybe just in case Michael doesn't want this, so the blonde boy kisses him back with everything he's got to let Calum know that he's never wanted anything this bad._

_Calum eventually breaks away to breathe, and he's smiling in a way that Michael's never seen before. "I have never liked anyone more in my life than I like you, Mikey. I don't think I've liked anyone else at all, actually."_

_Michael feels the same way, and he reconnects their lips hoping that Calum would get the message. He always does._

Michael remembers how they sat on that bench for a solid hour (even though it felt like time had stopped), their lips locked and tongues exploring each other's mouths. Michael remembers how Calum's hands felt as they held his face and rested on his nape. He pressed into the touch, never wanting the intimacy of the moment to end.

Michael remembers he and Calum stopping to pick Luke up from his house on the way to school the next day like they always did now, and the youngest boy was stuck in his thoughts the whole walk there.

_Once they reach their school, Calum stops in his tracks, and Luke and Michael come to a halt as well. "Alright, snap out of it, Luke. What's got your head in the clouds?" Calum asks._

_That gets Luke's attention focused back on reality, and his face goes pink at Calum's question. His eyes flutter to the ground, and Michael knows that's his biggest tell when he's hiding something._

_"Last night," Luke starts, biting down on his lip to suppress a smile, but his efforts are useless. "Ashton took me to a gig he was invited to and . . . he kissed me after the concert. A lot."_

_Luke spares them whatever details there are, and all Michael and Calum can do is laugh. Luke doesn't understand, and the two decide to explain what's so funny when they see that the younger blonde feels like he's being laughed **at.**_

_"Calum kissed me last night. It's just funny how all four of us decided not to hold back our feelings any longer at the same time. Kinda odd, but still funny." Michael elucidates, and Luke's jaw drops. That's also when he seems to notice that his two best friends have been holding hands the entire way to school._

_"Well, that's what makes us friends right? We're pretty fucking odd ourselves." Luke laughs. He's right, and Michael wouldn't want it any other way._

**+**

Michael remembers when three of the worst months of his life were over, and it was finally time to pick Calum up from the airport.

He remembers how the wait for Calum's flight to land felt like _forever_ , how anxious he was to see the boy he cared so much about after spending an entire summer with him in another continent.

He remembers making out Calum's face in crowd of strangers, he remembers feeling like his heart was going to combust when they locked eyes.

_Michael rips himself out of his seat and starts running straight towards Calum, wanting the boy in his arms as soon as possible._

_Michael feels like he's going to cry when Calum is right in front of him, not behind a computer screen or on the other end of a phone call. The brown boy looks taller (and slimmer?) than he did three months ago, but he's just as fucking pretty._

_Calum drops his bags jumps on Michael, wrapping his legs around the pale boy's torso and immediately connecting their lips. It feels like a scene out of a movie, Michael holding Calum up by his thighs as he kisses him deeply, and neither of them care who's watching. People around them start to coo and clap at their PDA, which is a bit too much, so that's when Calum gets down from his spot on Michael's hips and opts for just a hug instead._

_"I missed you so much." Calum breathes out, clinging to the blonde boy tightly. "Please, take me home. I . . . I don't like airports."_

_"Yeah, of course. I missed you more, Cal. If you ever leave me again for that long, I don't know what I'll do." Michael says softly, and his lips find Calum's again._

Michael remembers how _off_ Calum seemed; something wasn't right. For one, Calum had always _loved_ airports as far as he knew. Michael didn't ask about it, he was just happy to have the boy back in his arms.

Michael remembers Calum giving him a blowjob when they got back home that night.

He remembers how an emotional make-out session on the couch in Calum's garage turned into having the raven-haired boy kneeling between his legs.

_Calum breaks their kiss and reaches over to turn up the music they have playing, before sinking to his knees in front of Michael. His face is burning red, and the blonde boy thinks he knows where this is going._

_"Cal?" Michael asks, and he almost moans at the scene laid out in front of him. Calum's shirtless on his knees, looking up at Michael through his long, dark eyelashes with his bottom lip between his teeth._

_"I . . . I feel bad for leaving you for so long, and I wanna make you feel good. If you want this, that is. You can say no." Calum tells the pale boy, and Michael feels like his heart is going to rip out of his chest any second now._

_"Fuck, Calum." Michael groans, his aching dick twitching in his tight jeans. "Yeah, I want this, please. But you don't have to do this for me if you don't want—"_

_Michael chokes on the rest of his sentence when Calum's hand lands on his crotch, and a long, exaggerated sigh drags out of him mouth as the raven-haired boy starts to palm him._

_Calum does that for a couple more seconds before his fingers find their way to the button of Michael jeans, and he looks up at the blonde for permission to continue. Michael nods and sucks in a breath when Calum's knuckles bump over his dick as the boy unclasps his pants. He lifts up his hips for Calum to pull them off, and the nerves hit him when he realizes that Calum is looking at his bare thighs, not just what he usually sees tucked away in a pair of black skinny jeans._

_As if Calum can read his mind, and he probably can, he starts to pepper kisses all over Michael's pale thighs, and the closer he gets to Michael's crotch, the more the blonde's legs shake._

_"You're beautiful, so beautiful." Calum mumbles into the skin of Michael's right thigh, his hand soothingly stroking his left one. Michael's never felt so fond of someone in his entire life._

_Michael lets out a high pitched whine when he feels Calum's lips ghost over the arch of his cock, the brown boy mouthing him through his boxers. Which are already wet with precome that Calum is fucking licking at, and Michael doesn't think he's going to last very long when the actual blowjob starts._

_It doesn't take very long for Michael to discard of his underwear (they agree that it's okay for him to keep his shirt on), and he feels ridiculously exposed with his cock out in Calum's face, burning red and flush against his stomach. Calum licks his lips at the sight as he strokes circles into Michael's hips with the pads of his thumb. All Time Low is blasting in their ears (Michael prays that Backseat Serenade doesn't come on shuffle because that would be painfully ironic), and Michael just wants Calum to do something. He's not expecting it when he does._

_Abruptly, Calum leans forward and drags his tongue from the base of Michael dick to the tip, gently licking precome off of the slit before he pulls back. A broken moan rips out of Michael, so loud that he's sure everyone in Europe heard it. He clasps his hand over his mouth, but Calum moves it away._

_"You can be loud if you want, I . . . I like hearing you like this." Calum says coyly, his face flushed scarlet, and Michael's cock kicks at his words._

_Calum refocuses his attention to giving Michael head, and the blonde boy feels the wind get knocked out of his lungs when his prick is completely in Calum's mouth. Calum sinks down as much as he can, which isn't far at all, and sucks. **Hard.**_

_Michael whimpers through gritted teeth and his hips involuntarily rock up in Calum's mouth, nearly choking the boy._

_"S-sorry! I'm sorry, a-are you okay, Cal?" Michael sputters frantically, sitting up straight to see if Calum is okay._

_"I'm fine, it's okay." Calum laughs, and he gently pushes Michael back against the couch. They're definitely not doing this the way they're supposed to, but it's **them** , so they continue._

_Calum goes back in with what Michael senses as determination. He laps up the precome dripping down Michael's cock before he wraps his full, swollen lips around it. Michael knows he's going to lose it soon when the raven-haired boy starts bobbing his head, filling his mouth up with as much of Michael as he can before pulling back to the tip again. It's messy, and Calum has to pump Michael's dick in his hand when his jaw starts to hurt, but it feels so fucking **good.**_

_"I'm—I'm gonna come," Michael announces, enervated and so close to the edge._

_Apparently, Calum took that as his cue to run his tongue flatly over Michael's slit and suck as hard as possible, and the heat that had been building in Michael's stomach unfurls in seconds flat. He's practically seeing stars when he comes, and Calum willingly swallows everything his cock shoots out._

_Feeling oversensitive, Michael pushes Calum's head away from his prick as he came down. Calum obliges, sitting back on his heels, and he makes a show of licking his lips clean. Michael does everything in his power not to moan at the sight._

_"Oh my God, Cal. That felt—it was so good. I don't think I've ever come that hard. You were amazing." Michael sighs contently, and he makes a mental note of how Calum preens at the praise. "You didn't have to, um, like, swallow it, though. It would've been fine if you pulled off."_

_"No, I, uh, I wanted to." Calum admits, and he can't seem to look Michael in the eyes when he says it. He's probably embarrassed, and Michael gets down onto the floor to kiss him if it's any solace. Calum kisses him back, pressing his body against Michael's, and the blonde realizes how hard he must be._

Michael remembers making him come in two minutes flat just from his hand.

**+**

Michael remembers when Calum made it official with him.

They were strolling down the empty hallway to the school's exit after Michael had just given Calum a quick handjob in the janitor's closet, and worries were dancing around Michael's mind. He wanted to know what he was to Calum, so badly.

_Five months after they first kissed, the only thing that's changed between them is the intimacy. They kiss and touch and get each other off, but Michael wants more than that. He wants what they have to be real, he wants **Calum.**_

_"Wait," Michael sighs, and the two boys come to a stop in the vacant hall. "I don't understand."_

_"Don't understand what, Mike?" Calum asks, looking for Michael's point._

_"It's just, we kiss a lot and we get each other off and shit, but you still treat me like your best friend, not . . . not like your boyfriend. We haven't even gone out on a proper date yet. Are we not . . . ? Are we just friends with benefits or something?" Michael elucidates. He has grip on the hem of his Sleeping With Sirens sweatshirt, nervous for Calum's response. Is he fucking what they do have up by saying something? He's not trying to lose Calum completely._

_Calum looks surprised at Michael's words and a bit confused, and it takes him a second to give the blonde an answer. "I didn't know you felt that way, Mikey. Of course we're boyfriends—you're mine, I'm yours. I thought we just kinda had an unspoken agreement about it. We can go on dates if you want, I didn't know you wanted that. Obviously you do, though, why wouldn't you? I'm sorry for being stupid. We can go out this weekend! Anywhere you want, babe."_

_**You're mine, I'm yours.** Michael's lips break into a smile, and he wraps his arms around Calum—around his **boyfriend** , pressing his head on the brown boy's chest. It hurts a bit, actually, because Michael can slightly feel his ribcage, so he pulls away and tries not to be overt about it._

_"You're gonna punch me when I say what I want to do."_

_"Try me."_

_"I wanna go on a picnic," Michael says, and it's worse when he actually hears the words come out of his mouth. He starts blushing hard and tries to hide his face like Calum always did when they were younger, but the raven-haired boy brings Michael's hands down from his face and kisses his nose._

_"That sounds like a great idea, but, um, no food." Calum says, nervously almost. Michael raises his eyebrow, bemused. "It's just—you know my mom always makes big breakfasts on the weekends, I won't be hungry enough for a picnic. Let's just do something else, okay? Please."_

_Michael doesn't question it, just agrees and decides on going ice skating instead._

Michael wishes he started worrying then.

**+**

Michael remembers when Calum started to change.

They were both freshly sixteen years old when their worlds began to crash around them.

At first, Michael pretended like he didn't see, maybe for Calum's sake or his own, but he noticed everything. He noticed that from when Calum left for Brazil that summer to the one the next year, he had lost _so_ much weight. The squishy thighs that used to frame Michael's face were now slim and bonier, and his arms were nearly back to the scrawny size they were when Calum was _twelve._ Michael was wondering where his boyfriend was disappearing to.

He noticed how Calum stopped looking in the mirror, as far as Michael knew. He would just ask the blonde boy if he looked okay, said his mirror broke and couldn't be bothered to replace it.

_"You look beautiful, baby." Michael would always tell him. But you don't look okay._

Michael doesn't think Calum ever believed him.

He noticed that whenever Calum had free time, he spent it at the gym. Except he wasn't gaining muscle, he was just losing and losing and _losing_ weight.

He noticed that Calum barely ever ate anymore, always picking at his food and claiming that he wasn't hungry. Rarely, the boy would eat something, usually before games when Michael refused to let him out on the field on an empty stomach.

He noticed that Calum was the one who never wanted to take his shirt off anymore, which is something Michael never expected from a boy who used to be more than comfortable with his own nudity.

Michael remembers the time when Luke and Ashton called him on FaceTime at two in the morning, and he remembers seeing the youngest boy in tears when he accepted the call.

_"I'm s-so worried about Calum. It's like he's j-just disappearing right in front of our eyes." Luke sobs, and Michael's never been so thankful that he has Ashton to be there for him._

_"What's happened to him, Mike? Something's wrong." Ashton sighs, and maybe that's all he can do if he wants to be the strongest one out of them all._

_"I wish I knew." Michael whispers brittlely, and he ends the call soon after that before he starts crying, because he's not going stop when he does._

Michael remembers the night when Calum told him that something was wrong, so wrong.

_It's half-past 1am on a school night, and Michael is still wide awake in bed. Calum lays next to him, his thin arms wrapped tightly around his boyfriend's waist. It's when Michael is finally starting to drift to sleep that he hears sniffling._

_"Princess?" Michael checks, his voice gruff and weak from lack of use. "What's wrong?"_

_Michael reaches beside him and turns his desk lamp on, turning back around to see the frail boy in his bed weeping quietly under him. Michael swears he can actually feel his heart break._

_"I'm sorry, I d-didn't mean to wake you up. Y-you can go back to sleep, I'm okay . . ." Calum croaks, his voice hushed. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and gives Michael a watery smile, as if that's going to make the blonde let this go and return to sleep._

_"No, you're not, Cal. I've been watching you deteriorate in front of me for a year, we all have. You don't smile the way you used to anymore and I haven't heard your real laugh in months. You look so scared all of the time. You rarely come out with us as a group anymore, it's like you're n-not here and I'm just clinging to what's l-left of you. Please, t-tell me what's wrong, baby." Michael sobs, hot tears rolling off of his cheek and dripping onto Calum's chest._

_"I'm not beautiful like you are, Mikey. I just wanna be b-beautiful." Calum breathes out, running his fingers through the blonde's messy hair._

_No, this isn't right. Calum is so beautiful, the prettiest boy Michael has every met. He shouldn't feel like he's any less than that, he shouldn't feel like he's any less than Michael._

_"Wh-what? Calum, you're so beautiful, what are you talking about? I've never seen anyone as beautiful as you. With your smooth brown skin, and pretty chocolate eyes, and dark curls, and God, your lips. Your body, too, I swear it's perfect. You're so perfect, princess, don't you know that?" Michael tries to tell him, and he feels like he's begging him to believe his words._

_Calum shakes his head as tears rush down his cheeks, gasping quietly to catch his breath. "I'm not, Michael, I-I'm not. When I went to Brazil, it was s-so bad. All the other boys who attended the program, they were fit, but they were all sm-smaller than me. No soft thighs, no soft tummies, all sharp jawlines and lean muscular figures. They talked so much shit, c-called me everything they could think of for three months. **'B-bunda gordo'. 'Menino Americano feio'. 'Paneleiro'.** Thank God I'm not awful at soccer, because they would have destroyed me if I couldn't even play."_

_Michael's never been this angry in his life. He's so mad, his rage is blinding, along with the tears clouding his vision. Calum didn't deserve to be treated like that, it should've been him. He's the one who isn't beautiful, he's the one who should have nasty things shouted at him._

_"Why didn't you tell me sooner? You should've told me so I could've gotten on the next plane to Brazil and the beat the living shit out of all of those assholes." Michael fumes, but he realizes that maybe his anger is scaring the boy under him. "I'm so sorry, baby boy, I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that. You're so gorgeous."_

_"They would've snapped you in half before you could even throw a punch, Michael." Calum laughs, but it's shaky and forced. "I didn't tell you because I thought . . . I thought if I could just g-get skinnier I would be better."_

_"There was nothing wrong with you in the first place! Those guys were just dicks. You were perfect, you are perfect." Michael sighs._

_"You care so much . . . why do you care so much? I'm no good." Calum says under his breath, frowning. Michael doesn't think his heart will ever hurt as much as it does right now._

_"Because I love you." Michael says before he can stop himself, and he really means it. "I love you, I love you, I love you. I've always loved you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."_

_Calum scoots up and surges forward to kiss Michael, holding the pale boy's jaw with his limp fingers. They kiss each other hard, ignoring the saltwater that falls to their lips._

_"I love you, too, Michael. God, you mean so much to me. I'm sorry I'm not enough." Calum says after he pulls away, and Michael just can't believe the words that are coming out of his boyfriend's mouth._

_"Stop it, Calum. You are. More than, even. You're gonna be okay. Al-alright, princess? You're gonna be okay." Michael says, wrapping his arms tightly around whatever's left of the thin boy._

Michael remembers Calum falling asleep in his arms and not getting any sleep himself, up all night wondering how he was going to fix all of this.

**+**

Michael remembers the first time he made love to Calum. 

He remembers finding out that his parents would be out of town for the weekend and knowing that was the perfect time. He was nearly eighteen with bright pink hair, feeling bigger than his body, and he wanted to show Calum how much he loved him.

He remembers going completely overboard with the theatrics, buying scented candles and goddamn _roses_ to scatter on his bed. It was super corny, but he knew Calum would get a kick out of it and feel fond of the gesture all the same.

He remembers calling Calum after 10pm that Saturday night because he knew the boy's parents would be asleep by then. (They never had to worry about Calum's sister, Mali Koa. She never interfered, only showed them support.) He remembers choking up and not knowing what to say when Calum answered the phone.

_"Hello? Mike? Is everything okay?" Calum asks nervously, Michael having not said anything since the raven-haired boy picked up the phone._

_"Yeah! Everything's fine. I just wanted to ask you to come over. I wanna be with you." Michael says, hoping that Calum wouldn't say no so he wouldn't have live with the embarrassment for the rest of his life._

_"I'll be there in seven."_

Michael remembers standing in his bedroom, biting the stubs he called fingernails nervously. He just wanted it to go perfectly, or at least their version of perfect, which was never quite right but always amazing.

_"Michael?" Calum called out for him. He let himself in with the spare key that he was given ages ago, one more thing to deem them inseparable._

_Michael takes a deep breath and gives himself a minor mental pep talk before answering. "I'm in my room, come up!"_

_As he listens to Calum's light footsteps patter up the stairs, he starts to second guess himself. What if he laughs at him, thinking this is all a joke, and goes back home? What if Michael does something wrong and hurts him? What if—_

_"Hey, Michael, what's all this . . ." Calum says when he enters the blonde's bedroom, trailing off as he assesses the situation. He looks around the room, at the candles and roses and then it hits him. "Oh my God, Mikey."_

_"I—I want you to know how much I care about you, and make you feel good because you deserve that, so I thought—I, um, I wanna make love to you, Cal. If you want that?" Michael says, fumbling over his words as he tries to find the right ones to say._

_**"Please."** Calum breathes out, and he practically throws himself at Michael, drinking the pink-haired boy in with a kiss._

Michael remembers how it felt like they kissed for hours, how their clothes slipped away quickly like the time. He remembers telling Calum that he could keep his t-shirt on if he wanted to, but the raven-haired boy wanted it off for the first time in a while. He remembers wanting to cry when he saw how prominent Calum's ribs were, ready to burst out of his skin. He remembers silently praying to whatever's out there to help his boyfriend get better.

Michael remembers how messy prepping Calum to be fucked was. He spilt lube on his bedsheets and it got all over his hand. He remembers rubbing Calum's hip as he pushed the first finger in because he knew how uncomfortable it would feel at first. He remembers Calum taking it like a champ, eventually fucking himself down onto three of Michael's fingers as the pink-haired boy stretched him out. He remembers the unholy sound Calum made when his fingers hit the brown boy's prostate, he remembers how Calum almost came from just that.

_"I'm gonna come if you keep going, Mike, I'm ready." Calum whines, pushing Michael's arm away. Michael pulls his fingers out and cringes at how wet and sticky they are, and since his sheet is already ruined, he wipes them off on that._

_Michael reaches over Calum to pick up the condom off of his nightstand. After struggling for two minutes to rip it open, he just let's Calum do it for him. The raven-haired boy giggles at him when he gets it open in one try, and offers to roll it on for him._

_Michael relishes in Calum's touch, his painfully hard cock finally getting some friction as Calum rolls the condom on and slicks him up with lube. It only lasts for a couple seconds, but it doesn't matter because Michael is about to be inside of his boyfriend._

_Michael spreads Calum's legs, pushing his knobby knees sideways so he can have access to Calum's ass. Michael looks down into Calum's eyes to make sure it's okay for them to continue, and he starts lining himself up with Calum's hole once the brown boy says yes. Michael presses in gently, slowly filling Calum up._

_"Tell me if it hurts so we can stop," Michael ceases his movement to say when he sees Calum wincing._

_"It burns a little, but it's okay. Keep going." Calum assures him with a faint smile._

_Michael does as the boy says and continues to push in until he bottoms out, and he stays still until he gets Calum's cue._

_"M-move," Calum chokes out, wriggling his hips underneath the pale boy._

_Michael pulls out and thrusts back in slowly, just to test the waters, and if the sound Calum makes is anything to go by, it feels good. They continue like that: slow, fluid thrusts and loud, broken moans. Eventually, Michael picks up the pace and Calum damn near screams every time he hits his prostate._

_"F-fuck, Michael!" Calum cries out, his back arching upwards. "This is so—you feel so good."_

_"You look so hot like this. You're beautiful, princess, so beautiful." Michael says softly, and Calum hides his blushing face and bright smile behind his hands like he's a kid again._

_Michael leans down and starts a trail of kisses at Calum's neck, still rocking his hips forward into the smaller boy and reveling in the feeling of their heated skin making contact. He sucks a bruise onto Calum's collarbone, biting gently and licking over the deep purple blotch. He continues down Calum's body doing that same thing, leaving love bites in all the right places and whispering praises into his skin. Michael never thought it be Calum who needed his body worshiped. When he can't travel down any further, Michael opts for just kissing Calum's lips. He licks hotly into Calum's mouth, and the brown boy moans his name through the kiss. That goes straight to Michael's dick, and he doesn't think that either of them are going to last much longer._

_Michael reverts back to his previous position of kneeling and focuses on properly fucking Calum. He doesn't keep that up for very long, and his attention falls on something else. Michael's eyes travel down Calum's body, and he can't help but frown a bit. Calum's spindly legs are wrapped around Michael's waist, his chest rising and settling with his rabbit-quick inhales. The brown boy is all bones and miles of uninterrupted taut skin, and he's still the prettiest boy Michael's ever seen. He always will be, no matter what he looks like. Michael wishes Calum would know that._

_"Wh-what is it? Why are you crying, babe?" Calum asks, trying to catch his breath long enough to talk._

_He's crying? Michael didn't even realize. He brings two fingers to one of his cheeks and sure enough, it's wet with tears. Michael wipes them away swiftly and blinks back the ones threatening to spill out. "I j-just want you to be okay. Are you gonna be okay, Cal?"_

_"I love you." Calum says breathily, and it's not an answer to Michael's question, but he doesn't push it._

_Michael feels Calum rocking down on his cock, and he can tell that he's close—they both are. Michael starts to move faster, the speedier thrusts bringing them closer to the edge._

_"Sh-shit, Mikey, I'm gonna come." Calum heaves, his face flush against the mattress and his hands fisting up the sheet. Michael hits his prostate one last time, and it happens so fast it nearly gives the pink-haired boy whiplash._

_Michael strokes him through it, wrapping his hand around Calum's cock and pumping it lazily as it streaks his stomach with pearly white stripes. He lets go and pulls out of Calum's ass when the smaller boy is too oversensitive to be touched, his thighs shuddering and asshole clenching. Michael extremely close himself, and he rolls the condom off of his dick so he can jerk it properly._

_"Michael, can—I want you to—when you—" Calum tries, too fucked out to make a coherent sentence. "When you come . . . c-can you get it on my face? No, n-nevermind, you must think that's weird, I'm sorry."_

_That's what does it for Michael. What the raven-haired boy asked of him is **so** hot, and it has Michael's climax ripping through him. He moves closer to Calum and shoots his load onto the brown boy's face as he was requested to. When it stops and he's coming down from the high, he collapses next Calum, who's busy blushing hard and licking up as much of the come on his face as he can. Michael has to look away because his dick is achingly oversensitive, and watching only makes it worse._

_Calum joins him shortly after anyway, flopping down next to the pink-haired boy. He turns up his nose at the stickiness on his stomach, and Michael helps him out by rubbing his tummy as clean as possible with his already ruined boxers._

_"Thank you, for all that. My ass hurts, but it was worth it." Calum giggles, and Michael takes his appearance in. His dark curls are stuck to his forehead with sweat, his cheeks are rosy as they always are, and his full lips are curled into a smile. So, so beautiful. "I'll say, though, the set up was a bit much—roses, Michael, really? You're such a dork."_

_"Excuse me, I worked very hard on making my bedroom the pinnacle of romance. You know you loved every bit of it." Michael huffs jokingly, and Calum rolls his eyes out of endearment._

_"I'm just glad the house didn't burn down, that would've been tragic. Blow the candles out so I can sleep in peace." Calum laughs._

_"Don't you want to take a shower first?" Michael asks, but he does as he was told anyway. The room gets dark as soon as the candles are out, and Michael can't see Calum's face clearly, but he knows the smaller boy is pouting._

_"No, I wanna go to bed. Shower tomorrow." Calum whines, making grabby hands at Michael. The pink-haired boy shakes his head, chuckling fondly at the childish gesture. He gets under the blanket and shuffles next to Calum, wrapping his boyfriend in his arms and pulling him close._

_"Cal? I need you to promise me something." Michael whispers, and Calum hums in response as a cue for him to continue. "Promise me that you're gonna get better."_

_"I promise." Calum says faintly, completely falling asleep only seconds later._

Promises are a fool's comfort, and Michael is the biggest fool alive.

**+**

Michael remembers the night they all found out that Calum was sick. He hates himself for not having done anything sooner.

He remembers how his family spent Thanksgiving with the Hoods. He remembers trying to smile and laugh with the people around him, but he was too caught up by wondering how the hell Calum was going to get through that dinner.

He remembers Calum forcing himself to eat what was on his plate for the sake of not wanting to cause a scene, Michael assumes. He remembers when Calum eventually excused himself to go to the bathroom, and he'll never stop feeling like he should've just followed him.

He remembers asking to be excused as well when ten minutes had passed and Calum was still in the bathroom. He remembers his heart beating faster than it ever should, and he remembers it stopping when he opened the bathroom door.

_Michael ran through the hallway with his heart in his throat. It takes him a few seconds to remember which room is the bathroom because he always forgets, but he knocks as hard as possible when he finds it._

_"Calum? Are you okay?" Michael yells through the door._

_No answer._

_Michael turns the knob just in case the door is unlocked and miraculously, it is. He swings it open, and his heart drops from his throat down to the pit of his stomach._

_Calum is passed out on the cold tile floor, his frail body sprawled out and laying still. There's a toothbrush right next to his hand and sure enough, there's vomit in the sink. Michael's an idiot for letting him come in here._

_"No, no, no." Michael whimpers, dropping to his knees. "H-HELP! Call an ambulance! It's for C-Calum!"_

_Michael crawls over to where his boyfriend lay, picking up the small boy's wrist. He's so cold, his arm being warmed for only seconds by Michael's tears dripping onto it, but he still has a pulse and his heart is still beating, albeit slowly. Michael starts praying for the first time in awhile._

_Mali Koa rushes in the room minutes later, shaking her head with her hand clapped over her mouth and tears falling from her eyes. She's followed by paramedics with a stretcher, and Michael scrambles to get up and move out of their way. They haul Calum's body on it, which doesn't take much effort at all. One of them pulls it down the hall back to the ambulance truck, and the other stays back._

_"Alright, quick, which one of you is coming in the truck? Mom is coming, Dad is driving with everyone else." the paramedic says._

_"He is." Mali says before Michael can even open his mouth. He looks at her as if to ask if she's sure, and she nods. "He would want you to be there. Go."_

_Michael rushes out to the ambulance truck with the paramedic and climbs inside, joining Calum's mother, Joy, and her seemingly-lifeless son. Michael hasn't stopped crying since he opened that bathroom door, and he's not sure when he will._

_"He's gonna be okay, sweetie." Joy whispers as the paramedic sticks something in Calum's wrist. She puts her arm around Michael and pulls him close to her._

_"I love him so much." is all Michael can say. He **needs** Calum to be okay, they all do._

_"I know you do, he loves you, too. I remember when he came home the day you met and he just went on, and on, and on about you. He hasn't shut up about you since." Joy giggles, and it's enough to make Michael smile. "And he's not going to anytime soon. He's going to be okay."_

Michael remembers how much he came to hate hospitals that day. He still does.

_They've all been sitting in this freezing waiting room for three hours now. Michael doesn't know if he's shivering from the cold, anxiety, or anger. He doesn't care either, he just wants Calum._

_"Hey, hon. Here, you look cold." Mali says, handing the pink-haired boy a cup of coffee. She got to the hospital with David and Michael's parents an hour ago, and Michael appreciates the company._

_He accepts it with a thank you, and she takes a seat next to him. She looks older than she actually is, like the past couple of hours has aged her._

_"I wish my horoscope would have warned me that something horrible would happen to me a week after I turn eighteen." Michael sighs, chasing his words with a sip of coffee._

_"Oh God, don't read those things. Let your future just be, don't read up on it before it happens." Mali says, screwing up her face at the idea. It makes Michael giggle slightly before he returns to frowning, and her expression softens. "You know, I can't help but feel like this is my fault."_

_"What could you have done? You've been away at college, there's no way you could've known. It's not your fault." Michael assures her._

_"I'm his big sister, I can't help but blame myself." Mali says quietly, shrugging._

_"I'm his boyfriend, I've been watching him fucking deteriorate and didn't bother to get him actual help. I just—I just thought maybe loving him would be enough, enough to make him stop whatever he was doing to himself. If anyone is to blame, it's me." Michael snaps, mainly at himself._

_"No, Michael, this isn't your fault. It's neither of ours, okay? Sometimes the universe decides to bite us in the ass by hurting the ones we love." Mali sighs. Michael nods and rests his head on her shoulder. He doesn't bother to finish his coffee, it's already cold._

_They sit like that for a bit, going back and forth about nothing important and whispering solaces. Michael's head whips up every time he hears someone enter the corridor, and eventually he looks up to see Luke and Ashton walking through the large blue doors with their hands intertwined._

_"Thank God, finally." Michael says breathily, ripping out of his seat and hurling himself at the two boys. His best friends wrap him up in a hug, Luke squeezing tight and Ashton pressing kisses into Michael's fairy floss hair._

_"How are you?" Ashton asks when they pull out of the hug, adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose._

_"I could be better, but I'm alright." Michael shrugs, not really sure how to answer that question. "You two look awful, though, have you been crying? Your eyes are so bloodshot."_

_"Of course we have, dummy, we just got the worst news of our lives. You're not looking so hot yourself." Luke tries to joke, but his teeth are clenched down on his bottom lip like he's trying to bite back tears._

_"Sorry, stupid question. I'm just really out of it. All I can think about is Calum." Michael sighs. He sinks back into his seat and his friends join him, Mali Koa moving over so they can sit on both sides of Michael._

_"Have you heard anything yet, or is everyone still waiting?" Ashton asks. He looks a lot older than he is, too, but Michael doesn't think it's just the situation that's aged him. He's got so much going on at home, having to carry the weight of being man of the house, the last thing he needs is one of his best friends to be in the hospital._

_"Still waiting. So far, we've only had a nurse tell us that he's getting taken care of. Not very useful information, but." Michael says, letting his head fall back and hit the wall. He needs answers._

_"Calum is going to be okay, though, right? He's g-gotta be okay." Luke says, his voice breaking._

_"I don't know, Luke. I've prayed to every single thing you can pray to, asking for him to be okay. I'm officially the most religious person alive." Michael says, and it rips a laugh out of Luke. The pink-haired boy smiles._

_"He's gonna be fine." Ashton breathes out, and Michael wishes he sounded more sure._

Michael remembers already knowing what was wrong with Calum, but feeling his heart shatter anyway when it came out of the doctor's mouth.

_It's been six hours of waiting when a doctor finally walks up to them. They're all cold, tired, and worn out, but their attention focuses on the woman in a white coat and loud heels._

_"I'm Dr. Gutiérrez. Are you all here for Calum Hood?" she asks, her expression too neutral to read. They let out a cacophony of affirmation, anxious to finally hear something. "Okay, well, he's awake now, but his body isn't doing too good. I'm sure you can tell for yourselves, but he's bulimic, and anorexic. Possibly has BDD—body dysmorphic disorder—but we need to talk to him some more before we're sure. He's undernourished, dehydrated, and extremely weak. That's why he passed out like that. Scary, I know, but he's not dying. I don't know if I would be able to say that if this continued for another month without medical attention, though. His body really is in bad shape, the kid has truly been putting it through a lot."_

_Dr. Gutiérrez gives them a second to digest all of the the information, and Michael feels like he can't breathe. He already knew, it was obvious, but hearing it come out of a doctor's mouth as a **diagnosis** is too much._

_Ashton can probably tell that the pink-haired boy isn't taking this well, and he pulls him into a hug. Michael can't be bothered to hold his tears back at this point. "I know, Mike, I know. He's—he's gonna get better. They're gonna help him."_

_After Dr. Gutiérrez is finished giving Calum's parents the details only they need to know, she points to the hall she came out of. "He's in room 407. You can go see him now, if you want. Three at a time, please."_

_Michael has to restrain himself from running down the corridor to see his boyfriend. He let's the Hoods go in first, of course, and the thirty minutes they spend in there feels like an eternity._

_Michael pushes off of the wall he's leaning on and turns around when the door opens to see Calum's family filing out of the hospital room._

_"He really wants to see you," David says quietly, giving Michael a reassuring clap on the back. The three boys enter the room, and Michael damn near flings himself at Calum._

_"Mikey! Luke, Ash." Calum cries out, a smile spreading across his face. "Took you guys long enough."_

_"Hi, Cal. We're here, we've been waiting forever to get in, but we're here." Michael says as he rushes over to the raven-haired boy. He sits in the chair beside Calum's bed and takes a long look at him, and he holds his breath at how **ill** Calum looks._

_Calum's frame is so small and frail, Michael feels like he might turn to dust if touched. His usually amber brown skin is now pale and ghostly, wrapping around his bones like a thin sheet of snow. He reminds Michael of the paper flower he gave the boy when they were younger; fragile, crumpled, and barely holding himself together._

_"Do I look like the pinnacle of health right now or what?" Calum tries to joke, obviously feeling insecure under the observation of his friends._

_"Oh, stop it. Sick or not, you're still the prettiest boy I've ever met. Okay?" Michael sighs, but he's not frustrated, just desperate for the brown boy to believe him. Calum nods meekly, his cheeks reddening. "Besides, you're gonna get better and be out of here in no time."_

_"Yeah, I hope so. I know what's going on with me for the most part, but the doctor and the nurses keep throwing around terms I don't understand and—am I going to be okay?" Calum frets._

_"'Course you are, Cal. You're gonna get all the care you need and we'll be here for you the whole time." Ashton says comfortingly, being optimistic as he always is._

_"I miss you guys so much, I know I haven't been the greatest friend lately. I'm sorry about . . . all of this." Calum mewls._

_"You don't have to be sorry, none of this is your fault. We should've helped you sooner, we should be the ones apologizing." Luke corrects him. Michael can't believe that the blonde used to be half of Calum's size, and now it's the other way around._

_Calum doesn't look like he agrees with Luke, but he doesn't push it. He turns his head to face Michael, who's already looking at him and offering him a smile. "Hi."_

_"Hi, Calum." Michael chuckles fondly, shaking his head. Already knowing what the smaller boy wants, he leans down and connects their lips. Michael cups Calum's jaw with his hand as gently as possible, afraid that the slightest touch would break him._

_"We'll give you guys some space. Me and Ash will obviously be back tomorrow, Cal. You're gonna be okay, we promise." Luke smiles, linking arms with Ashton as they slip out of the room. Calum breaks his kiss with Michael to bid them goodbye, and Michael is taken aback by the fear that crosses the boy's face when the door clicks shut._

_"I didn't want to say this in front of them because Luke would start worrying and Ashton is stressing enough, but I'm s-scared, Michael. I've done so much to my body and landed myself in the hospital. And I'm still so ugly. **'M-menino Americano feio'.** " Calum spills, fisting up the sheet beneath him._

_"God, Cal, you are not, you're beautiful. I'll say it over and over until you agree with me. And that'll be soon, okay? I know this place is big and disconcerting, but you'll be out before you even know it." Michael says in an attempt to ease Calum's worries. It doesn't seem to do much, if the look of despair on the brown boy's face is a tell. "Alright, move over, you obviously need cuddles."_

_"The both of us can't fit, Mikey."_

_The words go straight to Michael's heart, piercing it with pain. Calum barely takes up a third of the bed, does he really see himself as any bigger than that?_

_Michael doesn't let his thoughts show, just shakes his head in disagreement with the boy's statement. "Nonsense, there's space. Don't you want my cuddles?"_

_"Of course I do, I always want you." Calum smiles, Michael humming sweetly in response._

_He slips into the bed beside the raven-haired boy and puts and arm around him. Calum melts into the touch, tucking his head in Michael's neck and pressing their bodies as close together as he can. It's warm and comforting, and Michael spends the rest of his visiting time singing Calum's favorite songs at a whisper and combing his pale fingers through the smaller boy's dark hair, all in effort to sooth him. They eventually fall asleep like that, so Michael's doesn't end up leaving the hospital that night. It makes the first one there easier for the both of them._

**+**

Michael remembers when the hospital officially became Calum's second home, and Michael's too. He was there with Calum every second he could be because the last thing he wanted was for the boy to feel like he was alone.

He remembers after the night Calum was admitted, they moved him into a new room on the other side of the building. It was much brighter due to the sunlight the fled in through the massive windows and the pale yellow walls that Michael would've found putrid if Calum didn't like it. Calum's parents brought the boy some of his belongings to make him feel less like he was at a hospital and more like he was in his own bedroom, which is something he needed considering that he was going to be there for a bit. He remembers telling Calum not to get too comfortable anyways, because he would be out of there soon.

He remembers when Calum first started getting treatment, starting with CBT. The small boy _hated_ waking up at the crack of dawn (eight o' clock wasn't that early, but he dreaded it nonetheless) to go to therapy, but he never minded going all that much since his therapist was sweet and always listened more than he talked. He also had support group at the end of every week, which he absolutely could not stand.

 _"Every time I have to sit in that damn room and discuss why I'm destroying myself with other people doing more of the same, I feel like a victim. I'm not a fucking victim, Mike. I just need some help."_ Calum told Michael on a Sunday when the pink-haired boy asked him if support group was any good that day.

After Michael found out how Calum felt, he managed to get his support group meetings down to once a month. It took a lot of pestering and pressuring Dr. Gutiérrez for her to give in, but it was worth it since it was for the sake of Calum's happiness.

Michael remembers Calum's nurse, a small woman named Ashley with vibrant teal hair, dark freckles littered on her cheeks, and a smile that always made you feel safe. They still talk occasionally, but she's never had much time for proper friendships. Michael's forever grateful for her, though, because she took such good care of his boy while he was at that hospital, and most importantly, she always treated Calum like _Calum,_ not like his disoders.

_"Okay, babe, it looks like you've gained seven pounds! That's amazing for someone who's only been here for two months. You keep making progress like you are now and you should be out of here by June." Ashley informs Calum (and Michael, of course, who's always right beside the boy), reading whatever she has on her clipboard. Calum looks happy, albeit tense when he receives the information and Ashley reassuringly ruffles his curls with her hand. She turns to leave the room and signals for Michael to come with her, who pecks Calum's cheek before following the nurse into the hallway._

_"What is it, Ashley? Everything is okay with Cal, right?" Michael asks, automatically worrying. He and Ashley don't talk much outside of anything involving Calum aside from the times they have lunch in the cafeteria together, so Michael already has a hunch about what she wants to say._

_"Yeah, he's fine. He's doing well, actually. It seems like he really wants to get better. He has his bad days, of course, you should know because you're always there to pick him up when he falls. Which is good, support is something he needs the most of right now. But I don't want all of his progress to be based on the fact that he wants to get better for you. You're always there when he has to eat, and I have to know that he's not trying to get better just for your sake." Ashley explains at length._

_"So what are you trying to say?"_

_"I'm trying to say that you've gotta back off a little, Mike. Give Calum space to do this for himself. You can be the one holding his hand, but you can't be his backbone." Ashley elaborates, not bothering to sugarcoat her words. She's never been one to baby him or Calum and treat them like children about anything, and as someone who's around their age, who would she be to do that? Michael definitely finds her to be wise and strong for a twenty-two year old who plays gigs at pubs in her spare time, though._

_Michael takes her seriously, and although she's not asking something easy of him, he obliges. "Give him space, got it. I can do that."_

Michael remembers how difficult it was to distance himself from Calum, even if it was just a little. He had started to excuse himself during some of Calum's meals, and wasn't always there when Calum had to write in the book that kept track of the calories he consumed when he started to have snacks without Ashley's supervision. He no longer stayed the night as often, just spent a couple hours with his boyfriend most days. Calum was getting better and better, though—on his birthday, Ashley told Calum that he had gained seventeen pounds since he was admitted, and Michael gave him a blowjob as a reward for his progress and as a gift for his birthday—so Michael wasn't exactly upset with Ashley's orders.

**+**

Michael remembers when Calum's behavior changed and he started to give up, only a _month_ before he was going to be allowed to go home.

Calum had made so much progress before he stopped trying. He needed to go to therapy for only half an hour instead of the full one and a half, and he was allowed to stop going to support group all together. He was finally getting food in his system again, eating larger portions of his breakfast and dinner and his _entire_ lunch. He even started to casually work out every other Thursday with the personal trainer at the hospital named Zack to build muscle mass that he said would help boost his confidence.

Over the course of May, Calum's progress decreased rapidly. He was shutting his therapist out, a man he never had a problem with. He told Zack that he changed his mind, that he wanted to just go back to regular exercising. He was picking at his food again, to the point where he had to go back to having Ashley supervise all of his meals and encourage him to eat _something._

Michael remembers when Calum snapped.

_"Calum, you were doing so well. What happened? You were going to be out of this place next month, and you decided to just give up on getting better? You've **lost** weight, babe. So much of your progress has reinstated to how you were when you first got here." Ashley sighs. She came in with Calum's dinner eight minutes ago, which he's only eaten a bite of and is refusing to eat anymore. Calum doesn't answer her, just let's his gaze fall to his lap, either out guilt or to show that he's ignoring his nurse, Michael can't tell. Ashley lets out a huff, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Alright, we can talk about this tomorrow. But please, eat some more of your food. Just two more bites, love."_

_"I'm not hungry, Ashley, I don't want any." Calum deadpans, refusing to look up at her._

_"I've been trying not to pressure you for the past month, but you—"_

_"Please stop, I said I don't want to any food."_

_"—should really eat something! I want you to get better, so many people do, and you should want that for yourself, too."_

_"I said I don't want to eat! I've been in here for six fucking months and I'm still not good enough! That's what happened, okay? I was 'doing well' but then I realized that I was going back. Going b-back to the kid that got treated like absolute **shit** for an entire summer because he was u-ugly. I don't—I don't want to go back . . ." Calum admits, beginning to sob before he can even finish explaining himself. He pulls his slim blanket-covered legs up to his chest and tucks his face beneath his arms._

_Ashley sighs, shaking her head in what appears to be more than disappointment. She deals with patients like this all of the time, but Calum's well-being seems to mean more to her than it should, maybe. Michael isn't surprised; it's easy to find a place in your heart for the raven-haired boy._

_"I'll be back in twenty." Ashley says, pushing off from her position against the wall. She looks at Michael, who's currently sat in shock. "Talk to him, yeah? And just . . . do what you do best. Show him some love."_

_She leaves Michael with a smile that probably fades away as soon as the door clicks shut. He refocuses his attention on the crying boy in the bed beside him, and he wonders how he has enough heart left for it to shatter the way it does._

_"Why are you giving up on yourself, princess? The boy you're afraid of turning back into—he's beautiful. You've always been beautiful, despite the words of those fucking idiots, and I thought you were coming to learn that." Michael sighs. He reaches to hold Calum's hand, but the raven-haired boy sits up and pulls away from his touch._

_"Since when do you care, considering you're not even around n-nearly as much as you used to be. Luke and Ashton are here more than you are." Calum spits, definitely exaggerating the truth a bit._

_"What? Of course I care, Cal! I haven't been here with you as much because Ashley told me to give you space. She figured that your efforts to get better might've been just because of me, and that you needed to do this for yourself. Do you really think I'd want to be away from you?" Michael explains, taken aback by his boyfriend's words, but he knows that Calum is just hurt._

_"M-maybe I was just trying to get better for you, Mikey. The way your face lit up when you would hear good things about me from Ashley . . . I didn't want to take that away from you. But I can't do it anymore, I c-can't go back . . ." Calum says breathily, tears still falling from his eyes. "I felt like you were **abandoning** me, because who wants to be with a sick boy anyways?"_

_Michael's crying himself now, unable to believe what he's hearing. The fact that Calum would even consider that is heartbreaking enough on it's own, but the fact that he felt it was **true** was so much worse._

_"I would never abandon you, Cal. I love you and that's something I've **always** meant. I'm not going anywhere, o-okay? I'm here for as long as you'll have me, princess." Michael assures the smaller boy. Calum nods his head and lunges forward at Michael, throwing his arms around the pale boy's neck and bringing their lips together. The kiss is needy on both ends, with no lust behind it, just love._

_"I love you, Mikey, so much." Calum breaks the kiss slightly to say, his lips still ghosting over Michael's and his fingers tangled in the boy's freshly-dyed orange hair._

_"I love you, too, baby. I need you to get better, and not for me, but for you. Please get better?" Michael whispers, and he doesn't care if he sounds like he's begging because quite frankly, he is._

_Calum's answer is the opposite of what it was the last time Michael asked him that. "I can't make any promises."_

**+**

Michael remembers waking up to what he now considers the worst phone call he's ever gotten, only two weeks after Calum had snapped on he and Ashley.

_"Hello?" Michael says groggily, answering a phone call from Mali Koa. "Is everything okay?"_

_"Calum, it's Calum. He—he's got something called a 'bezoar' in his stomach, I believe that's what his nurse said. I'm not sure, but whatever it is, it's bad. I'm at the hospital with my parents, please get down here as soon as you can, Mike." Mali tells him, and Michael feels the air being sucked out of his lungs as he tries to take in the information._

_"Shit, I'm on my way. I'll be there in fifteen, okay? I'm coming." Michael says quickly, scrambling out of his bed, now wide awake with his mind on getting to Calum._

Michael remembers how fast he got to that hospital, and thanking the heavens for the fact that he never got pulled over for running at least four red lights.

He remembers how the elevator ride up to the sixth floor felt like hours, he remembers running to Calum's room to see the Hoods and Ashley standing outside of it, along with Luke and Ashton who Michael called before he left his house. They both lived closer to the hospital than he did at the time, and by the looks on their faces, they were already told what was wrong.

_"What's wrong with Calum?" Michael asks no one in particular, skipping hellos and cutting to the chase._

_"Hi, Michael." Ashley greets him with a faint smile, and she's not offended, just obviously on edge like everyone else. "Listen, I'm going to be straightforward, okay? Since he was developing an appetite from eating, Calum's body was actually feeling hungry when he stopped again, and to suppress that, he started eating cotton. He ripped his comforter open and soaked the stuffing in juice. He has an intestinal obstruction, which means he can't digest food and liquid. So the bit of his breakfast that he did eat this morning couldn't break down. He was in a lot of pain, and he told me what he's been up to."_

_"Okay," Michael breathes, understanding Ashley words but having a hard time accepting them. "What's this 'bezoar' thing Mali told me about over the phone?"_

_Ashley giggles softly at Michael's mispronunciation of the word. "Cotton doesn't break down in your digestive system, so the stuffing he swallowed mixed with whatever food was in his stomach and created a concretion, known as a bezoar. He's prepping for surgery to get it removed. As long as all goes well, he's gonna be okay, love."_

_**Surgery.** The word plays itself over and over in Michael's head until he realizes that his boyfriend is going under the knife and there's a possibility that all will not go well, and he can't fucking breathe. "Oh my God."_

_Ashton instantly senses the panic that coursing through Michael, and pulls him away from the herd of people to calm him down._

_"Hey, take deep breaths, Mike, just like that. It's okay, Calum is gonna be okay. He's gonna make it out of that surgery and you're gonna receive him with open arms. He's going to be okay, I promise." Ashton soothes him, and the panic eventually leaves his body, but he's nowhere near calm. Michael stopped listening to promises a long time ago._

**–**

Michael remembers when his entire world came crashing down. He feels like he's still suffocating under the rubble.

Michael remembers sitting in that waiting room for _hours,_ refusing to move until he knew that Calum was okay. He remembers how distraught Joy looked, and even David's usually stoic expression softened to a look of worry and disparity. He remembers Mali holding him, running her fingers through his orange hair and soothingly scraping her nails against his scalp. He remembers feeling her tears wet his hair, and he ended up being the one holding her while she wept quietly on his shoulder. He remembers Ashton and Luke worrying so much about their best friend, Luke's bright blue eyes turned dull and clouded under his golden curls.

Michael remembers when Ashley returned with a surgeon, showing him to Calum's family and friends. He remembers her taking a seat next to him, wanting to know the outcome of the surgery just as much as everyone else in that waiting room.

_"The surgery was going well, until Calum began to have a seizure. He had a bacterial infection in his stomach from the concretion, and his body went into toxic shock. He was already weak from how malnourished he was; the poor kid couldn't handle the seizure. I'm so sorry, but he didn't make it." the surgeon tells them at length, and Michael thinks his own heart stops beating._

_He can just barely hear Joy's string of 'No!' over the cacophony of sobbing and the white nose blaring in his head, and that's exactly how he feels. No. No, this isn't right, Calum isn't fucking **dead,** he's going to waltz out of that goddamn surgery room any second now._

_Except he is dead, the love of his life isn't breathing anymore and Michael can't even see straight. He doesn't notice that's he's crying until it burns, the hot tears streaming down his pale cheeks. He feels arms wrap around him, and he knows they're Luke's, and he flings himself into the blonde's embrace. He's full-on sobbing now, his body shuddering against Luke's. Calum is gone. The paper flower couldn't hold itself together anymore._

**–**

Michael tries not to remember much of Calum's funeral, but he can't help it. Anything involving Calum is unforgettable.

He remembers how _dark_ that day was (every day since Calum passed, if he's being honest), like a grey film was cast over the world due to Calum's absence.

He remembers driving to the funeral home with his parents, the Hoods, and his best friends—minus one. He remembers seeing the epitome of sadness on their faces.

He remembers arriving to the funeral to see Calum's family members, his former teammates, so many of their friends. Ashley was there, of course, her hair slicked back and eyes shielded by a veil. She looked like a character out of an old film, but the pain she felt was as real as everyone else's.

He remembers clinging onto every word that came out of the pastor's mouth during the service, nodding in agreement with everything despite how unreligious he is. He knows that if Calum was next to him, he would've laughed and called him out for being full of shit. Except Calum wasn't next to him, he was in the casket five feet away from him.

He remembers how Calum's family never stopped crying, he remembers how _loudly_ Luke sobbed, he remembers feeling like he didn't have a single tear left in him, being all dried out from crying for a week and a half straight.

He remembers that being completely untrue, because as soon as Mali went up to read the eulogy she wrote for her little brother, Michael cried like he never planned on stopping. He never did.

He can't remember what possessed him to go up to the open casket, but he did. He remembers not being prepared for his emotions to come surging through him like a strike of lighting when he saw his baby, lifeless and cold. He lay there, eyes swept shut and mouth parted as if he still had something to say. Even _dead,_ Calum was still the prettiest boy he's ever fucking seen.

He remembers running out of the funeral home, his hand clenched between his teeth to keep himself from screaming. He remembers the endless stream of tears dripping off of his face and onto the sidewalk, and he could've made a puddle if he stood there long enough. He remembers stumbling to the curb and throwing up, he remembers Ashton running out seconds later and catching him before he let himself collapse onto the pavement. He remembers the curly-haired boy holding him tight as they both sobbed, but nothing was ever enough to ease Michael's pain, even just a little.

**–**

Michael remembers the first morning he realized that he would never wake up to Calum's sleepy smile and full lips against his own ever again. He remembers that being a harder morning than the others because he was actually _dealing_ with the fact that Calum is gone. He remembers crying until his body shook and his eyes ached, he remembers wishing Calum was there to calm him down.

**–**

Michael remembers the first time he went to the cemetery to visit Calum's grave. He didn't stay for long, knowing that he couldn't handle it. He remembers crouching down next to the plot of land the love of his life was buried under, clutching the item in his hand.

_"I can't believe it's been an entire year. I miss you, princess, so much." Michael whispers, and he hopes Calum gets the message like he always did._

He remembers dropping the bouquet of paper flowers in his hand in front of Calum's tombstone, the crumpled one he made for the boy all those years ago standing out proudly.

**Author's Note:**

> this is easily the saddest thing i've ever written wow i'm gonna go choke now!!! but let me know what you think and of course, you're welcome to come say hi on [tumblr](http://contuorkit.tumblr.com) xx <3


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